I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
