I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
