I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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