I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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