I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
