i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
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