Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
