Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
