Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
