i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
