my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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