At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
not ubering you a puppy
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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