o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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