My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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