there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
