Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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