cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize