I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
