I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
