That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
