you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
