you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
