I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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