is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize