I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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