If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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