i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
