his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
