What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
