After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize