She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize