My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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