Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
