So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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