Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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