I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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