when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
