last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
