plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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