i think i have two assholes
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
