we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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