i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
