Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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