I haven't been this sober since birth.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Let's paint friendship bongs
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
