I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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