Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
