the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
