Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize