someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize