My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Naked Twister starts at high noon
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
