omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
