We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
