tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
