i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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