i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
