Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
