Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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